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Five Things You Should Know Before Visiting the Ogre Kingdom

The Ogre Kingdom is a land of magnificent castles, ancient traditions, and renowned hospitality. Visitors sometimes arrive with peculiar misconceptions about its inhabitants, though, and a little preparation can spare you embarrassing misunderstandings, diplomatic incidents, and the occasional broken piece of furniture.

1. Ogres Do Not Eat People

Despite what certain travelers' tales suggest, Ogres do not consider Humans, Goblins, Elves, or any other civilized people acceptable menu items. Ogre cuisine is rich and varied, and guests can expect an excellent meal. The portions may be larger than you're used to, but take that as generosity rather than a challenge.


2. Ogres Are Not Stupid

Quite the contrary. The Ogre Kingdom has a long tradition of scholarship, philosophy, and historical preservation, and its revered Loremasters are living repositories of generations of history and wisdom. An Ogre Loremaster can recall the precise wording of a treaty signed centuries ago, including which diplomat spilled wine on the document. Do not try to win an argument with one by appealing to faulty recollection.


3. Please Do Not Ask to See Their Clubs

Ogres are formidable warriors, but their martial traditions extend well beyond hitting things with large pieces of wood. Ogre Master Smiths produce exceptional weapons and armor, and Ogre knights are trained in the sophisticated arts of warfare. An Ogre warrior is far more likely to carry a finely crafted sword or axe than even a well-made club. And while an Ogre certainly could uproot a small tree and use it as a weapon, doing so would be considered needlessly destructive to the landscaping.


4. Mind the Horns

Ogres are distinguished by their grey skin and prominent horns, which vary considerably between individuals. You may find them fascinating, but staring is impolite, and touching someone's horns without permission is particularly inappropriate. Asking whether they're real will not improve matters.


5. Ogres Do Not Like Being Called Monsters

Despite their imposing appearance, Ogres are people, with families, professions, ambitions, and occasionally regrettable political opinions. They build cities, compose poetry, study philosophy, fall in love, and argue over matters of considerable importance and astonishing triviality.


In short, they are much like everyone else in the Kingdoms.


So enjoy the hospitality, admire the architecture, and learn something from your hosts.


And if an Ogre invites you to dinner, don't worry. You're a guest, not the main course.

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